Confusing

From time to time someone emails me regarding the blog, something they have read on it or just generally. Most people say really nice things, it seems as if something I have written really has struck a chord, they have connected to something on the blog. Believe me, few things make me happier. What more can you ask for? You write something you like to write and it turns out that someone recognises themselves in it or are really moved by it. That's the best reward, really.

Some of those seem very keen on communicating with me and I am likewise happy doing that. But then something happens. Often, but not always, they lose interest. It is as if the enthusiasm wears off and I am left with unanswered emails. Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone writing to me has to commit to a life long cyber friendship. That's not what I meant, these things come and go, that's in their nature. Still I wonder why that happens, why do they stop, why do they just disappear, without a word?

Maybe it is the nature of cyber space, I don't know. But I can't help thinking that it is because I am not what they expected and that they are disappointed when they find that instead of this mysterious, free thinking, bold and sensual person they find a rather boring, dry academic kind of person, someone who is quite prudish and not keen on adventures.

I am like a horror writer who doesn't believe in ghosts (quite common, I believe). I don't believe in uneven relationships and arrogant, authoritarian people really put me off. Power fascinates me and power exchange and uneven distribution of power is interesting, even exciting. But the real me will just walk away from someone who is too arrogant.

Don't get me wrong here. I have nothing against people who want to live in spanking relationships or BDSM-relationships and who are happy submitting to or dominating one another. It is just that it isn't for me. The very reason I dare indulging myself in my fantasies is that I live in a very equal relationship, a relationship where we depend on each other and support each other in equal measures.

Those of you who care to dig deeper may have seen those themes in my stories, that there is a lot about dependence and vulnerability and how to try to accept that this is a part of life and that you may submit to that, open yourself up and try to trust rather than protect yourself.

And I don't pretend to sit here with the key to what my stories are about. They are about so many things and not all of them in perfect harmony. There is a bit of repressed emotions and desires and ambiguity when faced with arrogance. But that is how we are, a mix of thoughts and emotions.

Enough of this rant. I am in so many minds when it comes to the blog. I know it is ok when I write stories but I am not so sure when I rant or just analyse a picture or something similar. I often think that I shouldn't write about me here, that my stories are far more interesting than what I think about them. Believe me, they are.