Wednesday, 5 May 2010

What is it About?

I got some really nice and interesting comments on my last blogpost, In Denial?. My initial though with that post was to talk about and perhaps confess to a kind of being short sighted and not really accepting the obvious, that is, that fantasies are sexual (although they are much more than that). The comments, however, raised another issue and that has to do with guilt.

Despite the header for this post, I am not trying to explain what this thing is all about. No, just talk a little about it and perhaps start a discussion with you, Dear Readers.

Since I am not participating in any kind of real life activities concerned with BDSM, Spanking or D/s or that sort of thing (let's call it Kink, just to have a good word for it) I can only talk about what happens in my own mind when I think and fantasise about these things.

I do believe that even if you really are into it, really live it, and experience all of the physical sensations that go with it, there is a lot of fantasising going on, that many real and enjoyable floggings are, a kind of, living out of fantasies. What I am trying to say is that the mind thing is central, even for those of you live it in your real lives. Please, tell me if I am wrong or misunderstand things, which I am bound to do.

For me fantasies are a lot about consent and mutuality. But, and this is the brilliant thing with stories and fantasies, sometimes the consent is outside the story. I can let myself be enslaved in a fantasy, I can let it happen against my own will and I can be subject to, what is really, abuse. Even of the worst kind. My consent is outside the scene that is played out in my head or in my story. I am in full control even if I am helpless in the story.

Although I don't write much about the 'scene' I do love stories where there is consent, stories about love that contains submission and control. In these stories the consent is inside the story. And so is the trust. With the first kind there is no trust, rather the opposite, the other kind is based on it, the very essence of it. Those are really stories about love and friendship and being accepted for who you are with your mind, twisted and warped, as you may feel it is, at times.

To return to the issue of guilt, I think it is more prominent in the first kind of stories, the one that depict some kind of abuse, those where you are raped or enslaved or forced to do things. A story makes things more real, makes it seem as if it has happened in real life, you begin to think of the events and what it looks like, what it smells like and how it feels. I think the guilt is made more more prominent by this almost reality that is in fantasies and stories. How can you desire to be hurt or hurt someone, especially someone or by someone you love or loves you? Why do I find this thought of humiliation so delightful? That sort of thing.

For me there is guilt in the others as well; facing up to the fact that I have these thoughts, is hard, and the thought of living them with someone who wants the same is compelling but frightening. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't, that I do prioritise love in the form I have encountered it and the fact that I think my dreams and fantasies would shatter if faced with too much reality. This is really besides the point, only to show how I feel about it.

So, to get back to your comments. Lea talks about the contrast between the desire and the form, that reminds her of bad things, abuse and violence and that sort of thing. I think that is really why I feel guilty too, that it I don't want to promote abuse while I find it immensely exciting to be abused in my fantasies.

Lily said something which I found very beautiful, 'the “beauty” inherent within the acts which involve consent and trust'. For me this opens up a new vista of thoughts, thoughts that have to do with what I truly believe fantasies and my writing are about, a longing for trust and love, the kind that goes to the core of your being. It is too much to go deeper into here and I admit that this paragraph may appear a little cryptic but I do hope I may come back to this later, sometime.

Z said something which I liked, that it is because Kink is immoral that we enjoy it. I agree to a certain point, I do think it is part of the appeal although other emotions are involved as well. There is absolutely something of the joy of breaking the rules, doing what is not allowed there.

I honestly think fantasies about Kink are fantasies about very basic human needs, and that trust is not just a prerequisite for indulging in Kinky activities but really a fundamental driving force behind them. It is the sense of being safe that is at the core of it. But to end this with a disclaimer, this is how I feel about it and I really don't want to try to explain away anyone's experience or take on it, I really don't. I invite you to give your view on these matters and I hope I will come back to it and elaborate on it.


Manorlord said...

Great post. I am musing over your happy phrase, "Sometimes the consent is outside the story."

Speaking personally, I have completely different dominant personae in person and in fantasy (stories). In fantasy, there are no barriers, no inhibitions, no rules -- anything goes. It is like Erica Jong's concept of the "zipperless fuck" -- a mating so frantic and intense that clothing (and every other real-life intrusion) disappear. In fantasy, I don't worry too much about the "back story" of how or whether there is consent (though I have written scenarios that explain or justify the situation). In fantasy, I do not have to care about the innocent prisoner, the poor serving girl, or the abject slave. they are ... objects.

Life isquite different. People are NOT objects. I wouldn't hurt a fly -- well, I WOULD hurt a fly, or even inflict a smarting "hurt" on a willing (better still, eager) submissive, but I would never harm anyone, or violate a trust. The gift of trust is precious, the shared experience too intimate, to ever consider betraying the promise, the pact, in which caring is the highest and first value.

In crude Freudian terms, fantasy is all id, all raw, relentless (mindless) desire.

In real life situations, the superego (conscience) is present -- indeed, it is in control. Real life BDSM is about caring, and mutual exploration (and respect). Fantasy allows us to explore extremes that in real life would be horrible and degrading to all involved.

Apologies for a windy rant.



Paul said...

Janice, when I was young my sexuality was rife, even explosive, had I been a volcano, I would have been something very destructive, nothing would have been able to take off for months.

I wrote reams of stories all around spanking and what I understood about D/s.

Twenty years later I discovered the notebooks hidden in the back of a drawer, I am so glad that I didn't try to live them, I would have ended up in either Dartmoor or Broadmoor.

On rereading I found that as Wystan says, my characters weren't people but Marionettes.

In my youth standards were very much higher, good girls didn't, nothing below the waist, and many wouldn't let you under the sweater.

So my stories were a healthy release valve.

Later on I discovered that I only wanted to go as far as my partner did, I'd also make sure she suffered no lasting damage.

One last point, kink is not immoral, that is a myth put about by puritans how hold the very twisted view that our creator doesn't want us to be happy.

Sorry Janice, I have gone on a bit,
but it's a big subject.

Love and warm hugs,

Lea said...

Thank you, dear Janice ... and you're very welcome too ...

And - the asterisks around the word *beauty* are not quotation marks, but signifiers of *emboldenment* ... _^^_

Janice said...

Dear Wystan, I think you express it well. It is that sense of no barriers that makes our minds fly, sometimes, and it is such a freedom, something I do not want to lose. We are allowed things in our minds that we would never dream of in reality.

Dear Paul, your words are powerful, your description of that divide between imagination and reality. We all know it is there, but sometimes it is so hard to understand, or not feel guilty about.

Dear Lea, thank you. That was a convention I wasn't aware of.



Mina said...

Dear Janice, I have followed through the progression of blog posts from The Desert to this one and as always find the original post/s and subsequent comments fascinating.

The Desert did make me want to save her and I liked her attitude that she was surly and in my mind would at some point get free of them.

Yet it is bizarre that I can find excitement in such things when I am in the mood. In my fantasies I am in control, so anything that happens is because I want it to, the consent is there because it's my fantasy and there are things there I would never really want to do or have done in reality.

I don't often feel guilt but there is that persistence lately of feeling a bit wierd which is perhaps because I have been absent from those who understand.

I had more to say but lost my train of thought. I shouldn't have put the tele on.