Thursday, 22 May 2008

Picnic on Grass

What is this talk of a darker side? Where is this darker side? If you think it will be here, now, today, in this blogpost, I am sorry to disappoint you. I do feel braver and I will show you the cruel least a little. But today you will see something completely different. Silly? yes, romantic? perhaps, if you like.

I will be off next week and won't be blogging until beginning of June. Take care and have fun!

It was a perfect day for a picnic. The sun was shining from a blue sky and there was a mild breeze blowing. It was early in the summer and the glory of lush and green canopies and fragrant flowers was still a novelty.

The friends had gathered with bicycles and picnic baskets to make the most of a hot afternoon. There was Kate, beautiful, black haired Kate, dressed in a revealing and very short red dress. And of course Kate's, on and off, boyfriend, Brian, tall and ginger and reminding you of an asparagus, despite the red hair. My favourite among the friends was there, dark and handsome Will, not as tall as Brian but gorgeous as few. My crush on Will was something I desperately tried to hide but Kate maintained it was obvious for anyone who saw me with him. But Kate was a girl and girls know those things. I prayed that Will didn't know.

Then there was John, the self assured, cocky and arrogant bastard John. He was a lovable bastard but a bastard still, handsome and blond and walking with a swagger that made you either weak in your knees or fuming with annoyance.

And then there was me, conservative as always, dressed in a light blue, thin but very unrevealing summer dress. Kate was always more flamboyant than me and always sexier. The boys didn't have to dress in a certain way to be attractive, we had our crushes anyway. Brian and Will sported shorts and t-shirts while John had chosen to look elegant in white linen trousers and a shirt.

We cycled to the meadows and made camp by the river. We knew a good spot, close to a ruined nunnery, on a green and lush lawn, by some trees, overlooking the river and the vast meadow behind it. It was not a secluded spot but a little off the main track. There was the occasional wanderer passing by on the path along the river but no other picnics within eyesight.

We sat down and feasted on the content of our to baskets. We had elderflower cordial, sandwiches with ham and cheese, fruit and some salad. There was salami and grapes and some brownies to complete it all. It was a delightful afternoon in good company and I managed, for a while, to forget how frustrating it was to be along someone as handsome and as unreachable as Will.

It was a hot afternoon and the shade from the trees was welcome, it made the day a pleasant one. After eating our food we reclined by the trees, gazed out on the river and talked lazily about the ducks and the passers by. We had not really anything interesting to talk about. The day was too perfect for serious matters and the meaningless chat we managed was exactly what we desired.

As we were reclining in the shade enjoying each other's company things suddenly changed. I wasn't prepared, Will wasn't prepared, no one was prepared, not even John was, although he started it.

It started with a seemingly casual remark from John. He was lying on his back with the sun dancing on his face, smiling, being just John.

He looked to the sky and said, in his lazy but self assured voice:

'The only thing that is needed to make the day perfect would be to see Elinor take off her dress.'

I immediately blushed, of course, but didn't say anything. I thought it better the remark was soon forgotten. It wasn't.

Will, of all people, replied, immediately:

'That is not such a bad idea.'

They both looked at me. I blushed to a deeper red.

'In your dreams,' I said trying to be as casual as they were.

'Come to think of it,' said John, 'it is in my dreams.'

'Can't deny a chap his dreams,' Will said and they both laughed.

They still looked at me.

'Don't be silly!' I said.

'Silly, yes,' John said, 'silly, but nice.'

'Very nice,' Will replied.

I could have killed him. My Will, or the Will I wanted was mine, how could he do this?

They just wouldn't let it go.

'Here we are,' said John, 'two chaps with a very modest request. Wouldn't it be nice if their dream would come true?'

'A dream, indeed,' said Will and smiled.

'Think of it, Elinor!' continued John, 'with a single and swift and, indeed, very feminine movement you can make our dream come true. Can you really deny us?'

'I certainly can,' I said, trying to sound stern.

This was strange, they seemed persistent, unusually persistent.

'Come on, Elinor!' said John, still a smile on his face, 'come on, don't be mean!'

'Yes,' said Will, 'we would be very pleased should you be so kind as to take your dress off.'

'It is just a dress,' said John.'

'A very thin dress,' replied Will and nodded, 'not much difference.'

It was a great difference, to me. I was bewildered. Of course I had no intention of complying but the way they talked about it made me worried, pointed to an unusual determination.

'What do you say, Brian?' said John turning to Brian, 'don't you think that Elinor should take off her dress?'

'Hm' he replied, 'I think, perhaps, she should.'

'There you have it, Elinor! Brian agrees.'

'What do you think, Kate?' said Will.

Kate would never let me down.

'Yes, why not?' replied Kate and I felt my cheeks flush and my heart beat harder. I was suddenly on my own. I still thought it was a silly game but they were all turning against me. I was to be the spoilsport and they knew it. It was a joke on my behalf. Silly and prudish Elinor, will always spoil the fun.

They all looked at me, they stared at me. And suddenly something dawned on me. With a sudden flash I realised that they were serious. They were having a laugh but they were serious. They really, really wanted me to take off my dress. I couldn't believe it.

'It is not going to happen, I said.

'Why not?' John replied.

'Because it won't.'

'It is only your friends.'

'In a very public space.'

'Ah, no one will notice.'

'But if they do?'

'Would it be so bad? A beautiful girl in a little less clothes.'

'I have no...' I bit my tongue. 'You don't do such a thing.'

'It happens all the time.'

This had turned out to be a power struggle between me and John. It was such a strange and intimidating feeling to argue with him, knowing that arguing with him brought me, inevitably, closer to losing. I had nothing to put up against John, He was flamboyant, verbal, handsome and self assured. I was nothing. I was privileged to have him as a friend, and a true friend he was, although a terrifying one.

Taking my clothes off was not to be done. It simply couldn't be done. On the beach in a swimsuit, that was possible. In the park, no dress, no bra, that was impossible. I blushed. My cheeks were flushed. I couldn't speak. I had nothing to say but it was not to be done.

They all looked at me. They all wanted it. I felt a sudden panic. They really wanted it. I knew they were not mocking me, meant no real harm. They wanted it, it amused them, they thought it would be good for me but they wanted it. I felt abandoned and lost.

It was not to be done. I would never ever take my dress off. I had no bra underneath it and I would never strip it off.

'But only the dress,' I heard my own voice.

They smiled at me. There were no anger, no menace in them.

I felt my hands tremble as I unbuttoned two buttons at the front. I was in a sort of detached state as I raised my body a little as I pulled my dress over my head.

I couldn't believe it. I was doing it. I was taking my dress off. I stared at it, my lovely light blue dress as I put it to the side. I felt the summer breeze against my skin and knew suddenly how naked I was.

I looked at my friends. They were all smiles. I felt strangely reassured by their friendly smiles. I should have hated them, making me do this but they smiled so kindly that I felt secure with them.

I looked down and saw how my nipples were standing to attention, having been brushed by the fabric of my dress. I blushed, knowing that I appeared as if I enjoyed it.

I didn't enjoy it. I definitely didn't enjoy it. Or was there a part in me that did? Wasn't there a very mean and naughty part of me that enjoyed it? A part that whispered in my ear that I was attractive, undressing like this. But another voice screamed about what a fool I was, what a silly girl I was, pretending to be sexy, imagining for even a second that I had a desirable body.

I couldn't believe what I had done. In one single movement, in one simple, everyday movement, I had turned into a very naked girl, a very topless girl, a very dressed only in her knickers girl. I had turned into a half naked, her nipples erect girl, like some stripper, like some of those self assured confident girls, the kind who could show off their bodies without feeling ashamed. But I wasn't self assured. I was ashamed. I was only pretending.

'To make things complete, I think,' John, then, said, 'I think Elinor should dispose of her knickers.'

'Agreed,' was the word that went round the company.

They sat there as some kind of jury, sentencing me to nudity and I could not resist them. Why couldn't I resist them? Somewhere inside of me, I knew, I had to do as they told me.

I looked around, saw their smiling faces, saw their determination, saw how certain they were. How could they be so certain? How could they know I was to do as they told me? I didn't want it.

It was with a surreal sensation, I slowly slipped my knickers from me. I felt them slide over my skin, move down from my bottom, over my thighs, down my legs, get entangled in my feet and then slip away. I put them on top of my dress. Now I was naked.

John snatched up my clothes and removed them from my side. I was startled by this and felt my heart beat harder at the sight of my clothes disappearing from me.

'We can't have these things tempting, dear Elinor, to dress again,' he said, 'now when we have managed to get her naked.'

Then something strange happened. They seemed to act on a signal. They all started to chat, as if nothing had happened. They acted as if they wanted to make clear that nothing extraordinary had happened, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, having their friend strip naked at a picnic.

I decided to grin and bear it. The best way to get through this humiliating ordeal was to pretend I wasn't bothered, as if I didn't care that I was now stark naked in a public place among a group of dressed people.

I pretended I could participate in the conversation and tried to act naturally. No one seemed to care that I was naked and although I knew they thought about it, they managed to pretend it wasn't true.

I didn't forget, however. I was constantly aware of my nudity. I tried to sit in a way so my private parts wasn't on display. It seemed silly to try to cover my breasts so I did my best to pretend that I was all unaware of knowing they were fully visible. I thought about that Manet painting, the one with a naked girl among some dressed men having a picnic. I felt like her, very naked and very exposed. I was scared someone may pass us by and see me like this. It couldn't be avoided. I knew someone would walk by.

When it finally happened I pretended to look away but stole a glance at them. The first visitors were a couple who walked by the river, some distance away. They looked at me but tried to make it look as they didn't. I blushed. Later some teenage boys cycled by. They didn't see me at first but as they passed they noticed me. They started cycling in circles on the lawn, not daring to come too close but tried their best to get a good view.

I was the spectacle, I was the sensation. I was the one who broke the convention. I was the one who was naked, the one who showed off her body. I hope they didn't think I believed myself beautiful.

Something strange happened with me. I can't say I came to terms with being naked in public but the embarrassment was mixed with an odd sensation, a sensation I couldn't describe. The sun was shining, I was among friends, I had given in to one of their whims, I had lost the power struggle but I felt no resentment, I felt no anger. I felt the wind on my body and for a fraction of a second I felt it was nice to be naked. It was good to sit there and be the naked one.

This sensation was mixed with utter embarrassment and shame and some very unwelcome stirring in my body.

'Can I please, have my clothes back?' I said to John as the company started to get ready to go back. The sun had started to sink and it was time to head home.

I talked with some authority, with a sense of telling them that this silly thing was coming to an end.

'Well, of course,' he said and handed me my dress.

I eagerly donned it and felt relief as I now was covered up.

'Knickers, please' I said.

John's reply was a silly looking smile.

'Don't think so, my dear. I think will keep them.'

I felt my cheeks blush again but didn't want to fight him, not for anything.

My heart was beating hard as I walked to my bicycle, knickerless but clad. I wanted to get home, get this strange and bewildering afternoon over with.

As I passed close to John, on my way to my bike he turned to me and whispered:

'You are brave, my beautiful Elinor.'

I felt my heart beat a double beat and I thought it must have shown. I was shocked. I was confused and shocked because I heard it in his voice that he meant it. He meant those words. I had dared the unthinkable. I was brave and beautiful.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008


So this blog post will be some kind of reply to the comments I got from my question in A Little Bit Darker. I am so chuffed that you took time to reply and here I will return some of that with my own thoughts.

Span King said that we exist in reality but live in fantasy. I really liked that reply and I can relate to it, very much. I often feel I live in my head more than my reality. He is right, I think, when he says that we may try out personas freely in our fantasies. I do think we learn from that process but it is, sometimes, I think, hard to come face to face with aspects of you that you don't appreciate, like we may find we have a cruel streak, or we can be very scared of things.

I am not sure what Paul means by racial memory but maybe it is something similar to Jung's archetypes (or the way we think of Jung's archetypes). But, although I don't believe in racial memories, as such, I think I like the idea of some of the imagery of our fantasies comes from something that is beyond our conscious desires and thoughts, something that is, perhaps, older, more hidden, and harder to reach and understand. Maybe fantasies function like myths, although very personal myths, some of which we share with others?

Wystan wonders if my question really was if you, dear readers, are ready to read some of my darker fantasies. I honestly believe my question was a honest one and that I am, really, curious about what you think about your own darker images. I think, maybe, Wystan, still is right. I always wonder if you would be put off if I was a tad more honest and showed something really dark. This blog is my blog and about my fantasies and I have shown you, I think, some of the nastier sides of me. I will try to continue to be honest, because I want to. And that may mean some weirder fantasies, some silly, perhaps, some romantic, for sure, and some cruel.

Wilhelmina points to the fact that fantasies are different when you are in the mood and when you are not. What may seem brutal and cruel can be exciting and arousing in one moment to be nothing but crude and boring the next. I notice this when I get carried away writing and later read it and wonder: 'did I really write this?' Often when I write the fantasy is a memory and a basis for a story, rather than anything else. I think the text works better as a story that way. Another thing she talks about is that desire to make everyone happy in a story. I am thinking of the characters in the story. It is hard to leave someone really in agony. I want happy endings and I want people to say yes to what happens to them. I try, sometimes, to disregard this and there are some stories on my blog that have something of that in them. Maybe that is the darker side, really, to be really cruel to the people involved?

Michael points out that I have no duty to be balanced in my writings. He is right, of course, and perhaps all this ranting is about me worrying about your reactions to my stories. But I can tell you, in earnest, that when I write silly and romantic stories, I don't do it because I feel obliged to do that. I do it because I am silly and romantic at heart.

Jim's comment is a little cryptic but I think he tries to tell me that fantasies are not necessary reflections of our desires but images that we have inside that we are working on and with and things that needs to be expressed. I am not completely sure I got it, though, but to continue on that thought: I agree, I think fantasies are part of who we are and not just something we do for fun. I think they are part of what we want, need and have to express. And that there may be knowledge to be had by looking at our dreams and fantasies.

Anonymous points, I believe, to the fact that the story is not a truth in itself, it is a story, a creation and different things affect the coming of life of a story. There is a connection, I think, to desires and hidden thoughts that may be explored through writing, and reading too. If that is part of what they wanted to say, then I am with them.

Your thoughts and insights really broaden my perspective and I love to read them and think about them. Thank you, ever so much, for taking your time and thank you for reading.

But, none of you, really, replied to the question...smiles.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Iconic Images 5

Some days ago a friend send me the link to this image. I had not seen it before but it immediately struck a chord with me. I looked at it and was fascinated by it. I realised that it was an iconic image.

What do I really mean by an iconic image? You know, by now, how self centred I am so the meaning is about how I look upon images. I think, that it mean that it represent or illustrates a fantasy or some important part of a fantasy, an idea or a sensation. Most iconic images I have written about are old favourites but I realised it didn't have to be like that. So here is a very new iconic image. The painting is old, no doubt about that but it is new to me.

When you look at an image you are an observer, you don't necessary identify with the people in it. So I will start there. This is an image of a woman, a very white woman standing naked in front of two reclining men. There is a clad woman behind them, standing and a half naked to her side, sitting. This is a very simple description.

But it is so much more. Perhaps she is a slave that is new to the harem and she is assessed by the master of the house. Or maybe one of the men owns her and is trying to sell her to the other.

I don't know for certain but that doesn't matter. I think she is a slave or soon to be slave. She stands naked before the reclining men. She is property, a thing and she can be bought and sold like an animal. She is naked and they are clothed, they have the power she is helpless, they give nothing, she everything, even her body, her person. When she is sold, someone else gets the profit. She gets nothing. What could be more degrading? And why is it still exciting?

Depending on who you are you may identify with different people in the image. I identify with her. She is the main character so this is not strange, I think. What would it be like, standing there, naked and vulnerable like that? Being watched and scrutinised, being seen and not allowed to cover up. Everything is visible, the whole you is visible. Why is it so exciting?

There is something immensely sweet and delightful in it. Watching from the outside everyone can see she is beautiful. Who doesn't want to be beautiful? She is exposed and in this situation it seems appropriate that she is being looked at. There is no shame in ogling her, that is what she is there for. Could that be part of the appeal for those of you who identify with the men?

Isn't there also a sense that being this beautiful and deserving to be at the centre of attention is nice, being seen as something lovely and knowing that you are lovely, just the way you are? Being naked is about being uncovered, being seen as who you are, not what you do or perform but who you are. Being beautiful as you are.

Being naked is also being attractive, being sexual, the promise of arousal and pleasure. Being that slave is being beautiful, sexual and desirable. And, perhaps, being forced, being at someone's command makes you free of guilt and free of responsibility. Being forced to be something that is good and delightful and pleasant.

These are just thoughts about some of the mixed feelings involved, how something that undoubtedly must be degrading and shameful on one level is desirable and sweet on another. And the strangest thing of all, in this mix the shameful and degrading becomes something desirable and the analysis breaks down. An image is an image and everything is there at the same time.

Fantasies are powerful and images that feed those fantasies are blessings. I am glad I was shown this image.

Friday, 9 May 2008

A Little Bit Darker

Don't worry, I am not going to tell you I am depressed or unhappy. No, I was thinking about fantasies and what this blog is about. And about talking to you, dear readers, about fantasies.

Many people who are into spanking, who practice it or want to practice it seem to be pretty clear about what it is all about, or rather, they are happy with not knowing exactly but accept that they want it and that it is ok to want it. I am not going to give you another of those rants about me being uncertain what I want and all that. No, I was thinking about the role of fantasies.

It seems like many people have fantasies about things like getting your bottom smacked or smacking someone else's bottom and seem to be fairly happy with imagining this. Fantasies are about enjoying yourself and I wouldn't want to pretend anything else. And I hope I don't seem judgemental when speaking of how I perceive others to be or think.

But - there is always a but - I can't help feeling that my fantasies are a bit more unruly than that. They seem always to want to go places where I am not comfortable, shock me with things that I really don't like. I have touched about this when speaking of being aroused by the almost rape scene in Clockwork Orange.

They are not always like that. I do find, that when I am writing, I tend to focus on relationships, on interaction and mutuality. I want people to be happy and I don't want people to be really cruel to each other. I try to write it like that (cruel and brutal) sometimes but I can't really pull it off. I tend to be concerned with the emotions between people and I do want that certain sweetness that goes with a good relationship. I think there are a lot of excitement in that, in scenes where people realise they have a mutual interest or how they work their way from a polite conversation to a more hands on approach to things.

Still there is this other path, the darker and more sinister path, where spankers are not really lovers and when the ones getting their bottoms smacked don't really enjoy it. There seems always to be something that catches my eye, that makes me think 'ouch, that is bad!' or 'oh, how cruel!' In that scene in Clockwork Orange where the girl gets her clothes torn off and she is about to be raped, I truly think it is horrible to see her struggle and really horrible to think that she doesn't want it. Still there is this forbidden excitement. I can't rationalise it although I should. After all, it is not for real and we should be able to allow ourselves to have fantasies about non mutual things, about abuse and cruelty. There is nothing wrong with that. We are in control in our heads so there is no real cruelty being done.

I am not – I repeat, I am not – being judgemental. It is just that I feel I have concentrated on the softer side of fantasies in my blog, making you think I am all kind and nice, with a little naughtiness thrown in. I think a blog about fantasies should touch on all sorts of fantasies. Not that I am prepared to tell you everything but in all honesty, I think I should allow myself to show that fantasy land is not all cosy and happiness.

So, here is a kind of question to you, dear readers; is for you as it is for me, that your fantasy worlds sometimes show you things you are not comfortable with, things that excites you but you can't really accept, or that even scare you a little?

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

I Am Back

I am sure you didn't have time to miss me. I have had a busy but lovely time. Now, I am back. I will have to apologise for this blog entry will be very short. I have not had time to prepare anything for the blog, so I will just have to say hello, dear readers, it is good to be back and I haven't lost my desire for writing.

I don't regularly feature things by others, selfish, as I am but this time I would want to direct your attention to one of the most brilliant musicians of today. This artist is not just a cracking composer but also a good poet. Read the lyrics to a song called Time and listen to it here! The artist is of course David Bowie.

Time - He's waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me boys

Time - He flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time - In Quaaludes and red wine
Demanding Billy Dolls
And other friends of mine
Take your time

The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain,
and many other last names
I look at my watch it say 9:25 and I think
"Oh God I'm still alive"

We should be on by now [x2]
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la [repeat]

You - are not a victim
You - just scream with boredom
You - are not evicting time

Chimes - Goddamn, you're looking old
You'll freeze and catch a cold
'Cause you've left your coat behind
Take your time

Breaking up is hard, but keeping dark is hateful
I had so many dreams,
I had so many breakthroughs
But you, my love, were kind, but love has left you
The door to dreams was closed.
Your park was real dreamless
Perhaps you're smiling now,
smiling through this darkness
But all I had to give was the guilt for dreaming

We should be on by now [x5]
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la [repeat]

Yeah, time!