Some Kind of Cruelty?

This is a little something I wrote some time ago. I guess this is how I write, more about what happens in the mind than with the body.

And I have to say that I find your interpretations of the last post interesting. I thought I left some of the things unsaid, so a different kind of interpretation is quite possible.

This is madness. This day is ruined. My mind is in turmoil, I can't concentrate. I need to focus, I need my faculties. I have a job to do and I need to be here.

He ruined it yesterday. I didn't sleep well. How could I? He is an evil man. He knows my day will be horrible.

He sent me an SMS. Very modern. It is just like him, a combination of extremes; medieval mind and a 21st century knowledge of technology.

'Tomorrow 8 be ready!' That was what he sent me. I knew I had something coming, that was not the surprise. Still my heart started beating, and have kept on beating really hard ever since. Those two words: 'be ready,' made all the difference. It means it will be severe.

My day is ruined, I can't concentrate on my job, my colleagues thinks I am unhappy or mad and I can't talk to anyone about it, not even my best friends at the office. They would probably fall off their chairs if I told them I was nervous for a punishment.

And we are going out after work. I know they will ask about me, how I am and all that. I can't tell them. They won't understand. How could they possibly understand?

'You see, this guy, I am with, he punishes me when I am doing something wrong.' How would they react to that? They would call the police, demand I went for counselling.

He should really pay my boss for sending me an SMS like that. I am not very efficient at work today. I can't get it out of my head. All I can think of is this punishment.

He knows what he is doing. He knows exactly how I will react, he knows very well that he will ruin my sleep and my day. He wants it. He wants me to feel like this. Oh, I wish it was evening, I want it over and done with.

Waiting for a punishment is like waiting for the dentist. No, it is worse. The dentist at least tries to minimise my suffering. A punishment is the opposite. He wants me to suffer. He wants it to be bad.

'Be ready' means it will be a hard one, a lot of suffering for me, a severe punishment. I can't keep my mind from wondering, what will it be?

Severe may mean a long one or it may be with something really painful. Or it may mean both. He has this really heavy paddle, as he calls it. It is really mean. The weight of it makes it terrible. It really, really hurts.

I don't want to think about it. I am at work and my colleagues will wonder what is on my mind. Still, I can't get the thought of the dreaded paddle out of my head.

He has used a bamboo stick too. That is not nice. It is supposed to be dangerous, it may split and you may cut yourself, or rather he may cut me. But he is careful about those things. I trust him. The bamboo stick is really, really painful. There is a kind of raw power in it.

But it is supposed to hurt. I am supposed to be in pain. It is a punishment after all. I don't like it but I am not supposed to like it.

It is such a contradiction, sitting in this office, being a professional, being good at what I am, being among my peers, polite and nice and well behaved. And knowing that this evening I will lie or kneel somewhere in some kind of state of undress. I don't know exactly how I will be dressed but I am sure I will not be wearing knickers. I will have bared myself and I will receive my punishment. On my body.

It is madness. I know it is madness to let someone punish you, to let someone decide those things, let someone choose to give you pain. It is madness, especially if you are so scared, as I am. I know I am mad.

'Dear colleagues, your fellow worker, who is sitting among you will this evening go to her partner's flat, and there she will submit herself to this cruel and painful punishment for which she will bare her body in order to make it more painful.' I can't possibly tell them why I look so nervous. They would lock me up, if I did.

Because, I can't make them understand that I want this. How could they understand that there is mutual understanding in this? How could they understand that I have given him this right, this right to rule over me and my body, given myself over to him? How could I explain that although I am scared witless by the thought of my punishment, I do, really want him to have that power over me and that giving him that power means he will use it. It would be pointless if he didn't.

How could I tell them I want it?