Here we go, the next instalment of the story. I don't know what to say, except that I personally like the scene which begins in this post.
Slowly I started to accept that this may be for real, that this gorgeous man really wanted me. I saw in his eyes that content I so loved and I saw it when he was with me. We talked of all and everything and we shared our views. He wasn't annoyed with having an opinionated girlfriend. He looked at me with pride.
My crush turned to love and slowly did I start to trust that those feelings were mutual. It seemed so easy for him but for me it took some time. I became happier and more cheerful and I was immensely proud of being with such a man. I was pleased to be seen with him. I felt blessed.
Part of me was blown away by him, immersed in his attention and preoccupied with him, another was still the professional woman I had been before. Not that the happiness I felt didn't shine through when I had my lectures, it surely did. It was more of a matter of me being still me, still the academic, the researcher and lecturer I was. This is nothing strange, most adult people see a relationship as an addition to their identity. I did too but the power of the emotions involved made me imagine it to change my life in a more profound and radical way.
This relationship did change my life profoundly but it happened gradually. One month in I was still very much the old me, although the old me in love.
I had noticed the way he related to me. I didn't think of it first but after a while it was obvious that he always was in charge. He always was the one who suggested where to go and what to do. I didn't mind, not at all. I felt relieved I didn't have to decide everything. I was always in charge, always. If I wasn't in charge of others I was alone and in charge of myself. It was a blessing to have him decide things. I enjoyed it.
It may sound strange that a woman like me, with a career, with a profession and some confidence in my role as the one in command would welcome a man like him, a man who opened the door for me and ordered for me at the restaurant. But it made me feel special, a princess and I hadn't had too much of that in my life. I had always been the one calling the shots and taking responsibility. Now I allowed myself to be led.
He obviously wanted it that way. He did it very naturally. I didn't know if it was part of him wooing me or something that just came natural to him. I didn't know and I didn't care. I took a day at the time and enjoyed being with him.
I struggled a little with a sense that I used him, let him give me something, attention and love, something I should give back, or at least match. Nothing in his ways suggested he saw it that way but I felt treated and spoilt and that I should at least be able to take some initiative.
There was also a hint of fear about what would happen when we really disagreed. We would eventually disagree about something and then what would happen? Would he be able to back down or would I have to do that. If I grew in confidence, my will would assert itself and I would fight for my beliefs and what would happen then?
I knew not then that I had only seen the beginning of the power of his will. I had only got hints of what he was capable of. Had I known, I would have been scared. But now I had only seen the blessings of being with him.
We had been together a month and a half and I was in love, madly in love. He was who he was and that was what I loved about him. I saw his smile, his enjoying being with me and that was enough for me. And sensing him desiring me.
I think he felt it time to take our relationship a step further. I could never understand how he thought about those things, if he planned them or played by the ear.
We went to a small restaurant, exclusive rather than fancy. He was dressed in black tie and was very smart. Seeing him like that made me proud of being allowed to show myself in his company.
I had dressed up for the occasion too, which really was him fancying taking me to this restaurant and then to the theatre. I wore a deep green satin dress with a wide knee long skirt. It was sleeveless and had a low cut but not really plunging neckline. I felt very glamorous in it, like a film star from the fifties. My hair was done in an elaborate bun which left my neck uncovered. I wore silver drops in my ears and a delicate and very beautiful necklace of silver and green stones which he had given me. The only thing that wasn't glamorous were my shoes. They were white ballerina pumps with black polka dots. I loved those shoes and I felt they fitted in with the rest.
We were seated in a small alcove at the back of the restaurant. We were not cut off from the rest of the guests completely but we were fairly secluded. This suited me fine. It gave me the freedom to concentrate on him.
We were having the appetiser and some wine when he looked at me with his sparkling eyes. I smiled at him out of the sheer joy of knowing I was beheld by those eyes.
'What would you do if I ask you to do something for me?' he said.
I thought the question a tad odd but I thought about it for a while and replied:
'You know I'll do anything for you.'
'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, I would do anything for you,' I replied and meant it.
At that moment I really meant it.
'If I ask you to do something now,' he asked, 'will you then do it?'
'What is it you want me to do?' I wondered.
'Does it matter what it is?'
I sat pondering his words.
'No, it doesn't,' I said, 'It doesn't matter.'
'I want you to do something for me,' he said, looking into my eyes.
He didn't smile now. I nodded in reply. He looked at me a little longer.
'Take off your knickers!' he said.
I stared at him. I wasn't sure I had heard him.
He looked at me, seemed to scrutinise me, as if to assess my willingness to do his bidding.
'Take off your knickers!' he repeated.
'Because I ask you to.'
'Is this what you wanted me to do for you?'
'Yes,' he replied.
Words cannot describe what went through my mind at that moment. Part of me wanted to laugh at the joke, part of me got that it wasn't a joke, none of those parts understood what he was playing at. I felt my cheeks blush as I realised what it was he has asked me to do. And the thought of doing what he had asked made me cringe with embarrassment.
He had asked me if I would do something for him and I had said that I would do anything and I had meant it. He couldn't possibly mean what he said but I couldn't possibly go back on my words. If he really wanted me to take my knickers off I would have to do it.
'Do you really mean that?' I asked, hoping for him to start laughing.
'Yes, I mean it.'
It was impossible. I couldn't possibly take my knickers off. It was simply not to be done. That was for other women to do, not me. I was not like that.
A hint of annoyance appeared in my mind but most of all I felt an overwhelming embarrassment at the very thought. He couldn't mean it.
I looked at him and tried to figure out what he was thinking. He looked back. He didn't budge. He was serious but there was no hint of struggle on his behalf. If he meant it, it was a test of my resolve, if my words meant anything. I had said I'd do anything and if I really meant it, taking my knickers off was easy.
I felt a sudden flash of anger at him for not budging, for persisting in this silly game. I could ask him to do something else but that was a defeat. I had said anything and this was something he asked me to do.
I had to do it. I simply had to do it. I couldn't go back on my words. Embarrassment flashed through me as a red bolt of lightning. I had to do it. I knew it. My pride demanded it.