Monday, 2 February 2009

Surrender, part 10

Alright, no fuss. Just the next instalment of this story.

I knew I had to talk to someone. I was going to meet my friend Sarah on the Sunday and I knew, in my heart I knew, that I had to talk to her. We talked about everything. She had told me about her strange boyfriends and I had confessed my crushes to her. She was the one who knew how miserable I had been when the last relationship had ended. She was the one who knew who I was. I had to talk to her.

Sunday came and we met up at a café. We chatted and talked and she told me her latest adventures. We went shopping and had lunch, went walking in the park. I couldn't talk to her. I was terrified, embarrassed and dumbstruck.

The afternoon drew to a close and I knew I had to talk to her. When I realised she was about to call it a day and go home I managed to ask her to come with me to the pub. She didn't hesitate.

We sat down with our wines and I knew that this was the moment.

'I need to talk to you,' I finally said.

'I know.' She smiled at me.

Sarah knew me, she saw through me and although this made me embarrassed it was a relief, at the same time.

'You know this man, the one I have been going out with.'

'Yes, I know, the handsome one.'


She just giggled.

'Well, what about him?' she asked.

'I think I'm in love.'

'Did you fret about telling me that? As if I didn't know.'

'He's kind of weird.'

'What man isn't? I once went out with an angler.'

'Sarah! He is not like that.'

'What is he like, then?'

'He is very...dominant.'

'Good! Good for you.'

'You don't understand.'

'Always-in-control-you can't cope with someone else being in control?'

'No, it's not that.'

'I think it is good for you, isn't that what you want?'

'Sarah, don't be daft!'

'What is it then?'

'He really wants to be in control, I mean, really be in command.'

'Sounds great, I like that.'

'You don't understand.'

'Don't I? then tell me!'

'He wants me to do things.'



'Like what?'

'Promise you won't start screaming!'

'I won't.'

Sarah looked really excited now.

'I am not wearing any knickers.'


'You heard me.'

'Did he make you do that?'



I stared at her in disbelief.

'Do you feel sexy?' Sarah said.


'Do you?'

'Well, yeah, sort of.'

'Sort of?'

'Yes, I do. But that's not all.'

'I want to hear the rest too.'

'Sarah, I think I am losing it.'

'Losing what?'

'It, me, my sanity.'

'What did he made you do?'

'I can't tell you.'

'Of course you can, you silly cow.'

'Sarah, you will think I am mad.'

'I already know you are mad.'

'Don't joke about it!'

'Believe me, I'm not joking.'

'One day, Sarah, one day when I didn't want to be without knickers at school.'

'Wow, you've been knickerless at uni?'


'Well, what happened, you put your knickers on?'

'Yes, I did and he was, kind of, disappointed.'

'Was he angry, for real?'

'Yeah, but disappointed mostly.'

'This is real for him.'

'It was real for me too.'

'Yes, of course. What happened?'

'He punished me.'




'You won't believe this, he spanked me.'

'Now I am getting really excited.'

'It wasn't like that.'

'Like what?'

'I mean, it wasn't a little hanky panky. It was for real, it hurt.'

'It was about time.'

'Sarah! What do you mean?'

'I think it was about time someone gave Miss Prim a spanking.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Ah, you know, to shake you up a little.'

'It surely did.'

'What did you do?'

'I told him he couldn't do that.'



'I wouldn't mind a man who kept me in line.'

'It's all a joke for you.'

'Believe me, it isn't.'

'I don't understand.'

'Don't try to. Tell me what happened!'

'He told me he wanted a woman at his feet and if I went now I shouldn't bother coming back.'

'Did you go?'


'And then what?'

'I went back.'


'Is it?'

'Yeah, you love the guy, don't you?'

'I guess I do.'

'Don't guess.'

'But this is even worse.'

'Tell me.'

'I begged him to take me back.'

'That is new.'

'What do you mean?'

'You are not exactly the begging kind of person.'

'No, guess not.'

'Did he take you back?'

'Yes, he did. This is the really bad part. He said I had to be punished.'

'For walking out on him.'

'Yes, and not obeying him.'

'Did he?'

'Did what?'

'Punish you.'

'Yes, he started to, this Thursday.'

'What happened.'

'Sarah, you won't believe this. He caned me.'

'Oh my god. Really?'


'He means business.'

'Sarah, it was awful. I could hardly sit down all Friday and I had my meetings and I can still feel it.'

'Does it still show?'

'Yes, it does.'

'Can I see?'

'Are you mad?'

'Not here, somewhere else.'


'Ok, some other time.'

'And I have all these rules.'

'Like what?'

'No knickers and my skirt can't be too long and that sort of thing.'

'That sort of thing?'

'Yeah, and I am supposed to be naked in my flat.'

'I like that.'

'Like what?'

'The thought of you being naked in your flat, obeying this handsome man.'

'And I can't touch myself.'

'Oh, that is cruel.'

'I can't stand it.'

'I would have been worried if you could.'

'It is so easy for you, Sarah.'

'And you make such a fuss of things.'

'Am I not going mad?'

'No, I don't think you are.'

'But what is happening.'

'You've met a man who is into kink and you are indulging him.'

'Indulging him?'

'Yeah, stupid, he loves every moment of it. He loves whacking your bottom. Some men love that.'

'You make it sound so easy.'

'It is easy.'

'It's making things to my head.'

Suddenly Sarah looked serious. She took my hand.

'I know why it is making things to your head.'

'What do you mean?'

'Because you can't accept that you like it.'

'I don't like it. I love him but I don't like it.'

'Yes, you do.'

'No, it was awful, it really, really hurt and I feel ashamed.'

'Yet you do it.'

'Yes, I love him.'

'He makes you feel awful and you love him?'


'I love you, my friend, but sometimes you don't see what's in front of your nose.'

'What's in front of my nose?'

'A man who can give you something you want.'

'What do I want?'

'Someone to rule you.'

'No, I don't.'

'Loads of women are like that.'

'Not me.'

'And loads of men are like him.'


'Yeah, he seems to be of the harsher kind, though, guess it makes it more real then.'

'You mean like he is one of those into fetish things and all that?'

'I don't know but I wouldn't be surprised. He owns a cane after all.'

'I am not mad then?'

'No, don't worry. Take your time and find out what you want.'

'I have more punishments coming up.'

'You did walk out on him.'

'So you think he is doing the right thing?'

'If you accept it, yeah.'

'I don't accept it.'

'Did he force you?'

'No, he didn't.'

'You stayed by your own will, you let him cane you.'


'There you go.'

'But it hurt and I am scared.'

'That is only human.'

'So you think I should go through with it?'

'It's your decision, only you can know what to do.'

'I don't know what to do, that is why I had to talk to you.'

'Did it help?'

'I feel less insane now.'

'That is good.'

I was bewildered as I walked home. I was surprised that Sarah found all of this so acceptable, almost normal. I hadn't thought of him as just indulging in some kink, living out a fetish dream. It seemed so sordid in a way. Suddenly I imagined him dressed in some strange leather outfit with a whip in his hand and it all made me laugh. It was so silly and so strange and so dirty.

My bottom had improved all weekend and on the Monday it still had some marks but it wasn't as sore any longer. I stood looking at myself in the mirror wondering about the marks he had left on my body, how bold he was, how outrageously arrogant he was to whip me and leave his marks on my body.

I felt my cheeks blush and my heart beat faster as I both hated him for it and admired him.


Meta said...

Loving Sarah's reaction! Also love how the main character suddenly thought this was all silly, but also real (and dirty). And the image of him in all leather without really knowing if that's something he does (drawing on typical images of BDSM without understanding it or knowing if that's true for this particular person). Such a strange mix of emotions, but certainly one I can relate to!

Anonymous said...

I do love a good story of a transition across to the dark side. in some ways the journey is more fascinating than arriving. She's lucky to have Sarah to prod her on her way though, some of us had to travel alone!


Paul said...

Janice, I like this, Sarah sounds so sensible.
How many of us could use a friend like her, when taking our first stumbling steps into kink.
Warm hugs,

Manorlord said...

O-boyoboyoboy!(Rubbing hands together gleefully). Please, may I have some more?

A fantasy of mine is to eavesdrop on conversations between submissives. This is different than the no doubt candid revelations I so savor (and wring) from my S friends and playmates.

A mere male, I concede that a girl is likely to think of, and likelier still to tell, another girl secrets she would never, could never utter to a man, be he lover or master. (Or even a stranger!) Or, at least, that is the nub of the fantasy. Sort of like the universal male fantasy that, left to themselves, females have topless tickle fights...


Ollie said...

I liked this episode Janice, I enjoyed her uncertainty, her confusion, and most of all Sarah's utter conviction that the heroine was getting what she ought to have, what was good for her.

It seems that sometimes our friends can see our characters more clearly than we can. I suppose it is because they don't hear all the noise which hisses in our heads.

TFP said...

Very enjoyable, continue.

Janice said...

Dear Meta, I was a little worried that people would react to her calling it 'dirty'. If there is anything I want to write about, it is the mixed feelings involved. It means a lot to hear that you can relate to it, means it is believable, means I am on to something real.

Dear Recidavist, 'transition', that hits the nail on the head. That is what I am fascinated by.

Dear Paul, a good friend to help us; we all need that, whatever we set out to do or whatever happens to us.

Dear Wystan, I am chuffed that you liked the dialogue, I really am. I know you know the tricks of the trade so this compliment means a lot. One thing though, is it really a secret that girls indulge in topless tickling fights? Don't men do that?

Dear Ollie, it is often valuable to see yourself through the eyes of others. It can be very enlightening. Thank you for the comment.

Dear TFP, thank you for the compliment.



Meta said...

I do sometimes feel dirty...and sometimes that arouses's a mixed feeling all on its own.

Mina said...

Janice, great dialogue. As you know I adore dialogue and this was fun, serious, enjoyable and revealing all at the same time. It is also an excellent way for your character to work through things they feel and let the audience know more in an interesting way.

Sarah's reaction was very good and an open minded gal might just react the same way.

Excellent, keep up the great work.


Janice said...

Dear Meta, I think I can relate to that, not sure I use those words but I think I know what you are talking about...smiles.

Dear Mina, I know you love dialogue and it makes me extra chuffed that you liked this one...thanks.



Anonymous said...

From what I see here, I propose the caged animals at the zoo, should be released and the people here caged, they're mor dangerous.

Janice said...

Dear Anonymous, whether animals at the zoo should be released or not, could be discussed, but the second part of your proposal is outrageous, and insulting. It is the attitude you have that shames you rather than the people commenting here or mentioned in this blog.