Monday, 22 June 2009


What does it mean? The word, what does it mean to you and what does it mean to me?

But before I say anything about that I will say sorry for not blogging so much. My mind seem to have been occupied with other things and I have not really known what to blog about. I guess that such is life, but I do feel a little bad if some of you have been waiting for something to appear here.

And I will be disappearing again at the end of this week and won't be able to blog until August. The upside is that I think it is good to stay away from computers at times and I think I need that. I have found sitting by a monitor all day long quite stressful lately. Just to let you know.

So, back to kink. The dictionary speaks of knots or bends in a rope, something that is no longer straight. I suppose it is that meaning that leads to the idea of the sexual perverse. Yes, I use that expression because so does Oxford English Dictionary. Furthermore it mentions homosexuality. I am not saying this to rant about stuffy old lexicographers. It is just that it seems as if the meaning changes and most likely is quite individual.

No one in their right mind would say that being gay is kinky. Not in this day and age. So the focus changes. But what does it mean? Is it kinky to be aroused by push-bikes? I don't know.

I think, for me, there has to be this edge to it, the addition to if being bad. When someone says kink I think of spankings and being tied up, dominance and submission, arrogance and cruelty. (No this is not the time for the discussion whether submission and dominance as such have to be can be bad and that is enough for me at the moment.)

Kink for me doesn't just mean the 'sexually deviant' (had to put the quotation marks there...smiles) but it means something that is bad and, thus, problematic.

Hope you are with me still. I am not saying people who spank each other for mutual pleasure are bad. I am saying that spankings, originally had a place in a society that oppressed people and that it was used for that purpose. Same with slavery. I am sure you see the pattern, none here would say that slavery is good but still we can find the idea of slave markets, being chained on a podium, put up for sale, to be immensely exciting.

I guess, for you, as for me, the word has taken on a more positive value than it had originally. I think people in general proudly speak of their kink when they embrace their lifestyle.

This brings me to another thing I wanted to write about. I feel, sometimes there is a kind of cosiness about kink, that people who have admitted to themselves they are aroused by things that some others would consider perverse, seem to work hard to normalise their kink. There is, almost, a political, perhaps even personal need to make kink acceptable.

Believe me, I am all for that. I really think that anyone should have the right to indulge their love for push-bikes or whips as long as they don't harm anyone. I agree completely with the politics in it.

The reason why I rant about it here is that I still, after all this time, find it problematic to admit that I do find the idea of being humiliated or whipped arousing. To me it still stands for something bad, something I don't really want happen. I can't just say: 'Hi, I am Janice and I am spanko, I would really like you to smack my bottom'. Simply because I would most likely not want it. It hurts, after all, and I am not that keen on pain.

Had I found it just an expression of my personality, a part of my own sexuality I was truly happy about I wouldn't be blogging. It is the very fact that I have mixed feelings that makes me write. I think.

So, thank you for listening and if I don't blog again this week, see you in August. Take care and be kind to yourself. Embrace your kinks and be proud of who you are. I am trying to do that myself.


Anonymous said...

My Dear J --

So many apologies! Yes, we look forward to your posts, but of course your writing will have active and dormant phases, whether from l/sagging interest, time crunch, eyestrain, relatives or holiday. So... go easy on yourself, please.

Unless ... your penitence is a tacit invitation for us to say:

"Janice, your failure to blog is a SPANKABLE OFFENSE!! Knickers down, and prepare yourself..."

Or not.

Anyway, I approach the definition of kink "backwards." (Hmm, is that kinky?) That is, I start with the universe of human sexual behavior considered "vanilla" and define kink as everything else. Oral sex was once considered beyond the pale. So was any position than "missionary." They were, therefore, kinky. Today, however intriguing and arousing the thought, no one would call these kinky.

There is a brother/sisterhood of kinksters. How many times have submissive, but conflicted, ladies expressed appreciation for the fact that I (and others) cherish them for who they are. You, Janice, fulfilled this role for me so long ago, when you reassured me that, dominant beast though I am in fantasy, I am not a monster, but rather, your complement.

Apologies (?!) for the rant.

Warmly, from the other side of the Looking Glass,

Wystan Ephraim

TFP said...

Hurry back...

Paul said...

Janice, enjoy your break.
Yes I know that I'm kinky, I am neither proud nor sorry.
When I found the online community it was comforting to learn that I wasn't as abnormal as I sometimes thought.
I look forward to reading you in August.
Take care.
Love and warm hugs,

Lea said...

Dearest Janice,
Again I'm reading your blog while also replying to you via email - so again my thoughts here and my thoughts in the email I'm writing are connected and entwined ...

... yum, just the word, 'rope' ...

... and, yep, that's such an interesting contrast/comparison - because, disappointingly, there are indeed still people who consider homosexuality something to be judged/condemned/demonised, hm. And coming "out" regarding a penchant or interest in Ds or bdsm is certainly comparable to coming "out" about homosexual/bisexual desires too, I would say ...

In fact, I think maybe sometimes we feel the need to talk about it precisely because we feel the cultural or political judgments, so harshly. Also, it does help to analyse our feelings and thoughts, and recognise what we want and what we wouldn't want - and, as you said, it's not as simple as any caricature by anyone who doesn't feel it - I personally think that's because D/s is really, truly about deeper connections and trust and intimacy and, yes, love, albeit more extreme and beyond boundaries that some people are comfortable with. And - now I'm raving - what would I know, really, I'm only just learning - just some observations and thoughts, really - I'll return to writing your email now!

And it really does help, echoing what Wystan said, I also deeply feel that talking online to those who feel similarly as I feel helps - thank you, Janice, for your blog as well as for your warmth and honesty and conversations and friendship.

And have a really enjoyable and relaxing break - you deserve it so much!

Love always,

P.S. Just regarding what's "kinky" and what's not - and how subjective this is - I was just reading an article that mentioned anthropological studies of past cultures (just of the past two centuries) where oral sex is considered an enjoyable communal activity - and yet other cultures where tongue-kissing was considered outrageous and always unacceptable even between lovers ...

Janice said...

Dear Wystan, I know you fancy the idea of me fishing for a bottom warming, but, sadly, no, I am honest when I apologise. I don't want to let any of you down. And I do love writing and will keep on writing. '...cherish them for who they are.' Those are beautiful words, thank you.

Dear TFP, smiles, I will.

Dear Paul, I am glad you have come to terms with who you are. I am still struggling, learning it bit by bit and you and other Dear Readers are a great help. Thank you.

Dear Lea, I think I carry that 'cultural judgement' inside me. No one is harder on myself than I am, I think. Thank you for your encouragement and love. I think you are right about the underlying emotions, those of love and trust and intimacy.



Mina said...

Dear Janice

I hope your break is going well and look forward to 'seeing' you again soon.

I certainly understand the lack of blogging having done none myself in some time.

To me kink is defined as any sexual behaviour or indulgence that isn't classed as vanilla. But therein lies the problem. What is 'vanilla'? The boundaries are changing. Does kink have to be sexually driven? There are some who use spanking for other reasons outside of sexuality.

So the definition above, applies to and is defined by and for me. It will likely mean something else to another person.

I wonder if that reason is why it is so difficult to discuss with others, for example trying to introduce kink into a relationship. How you define it, how it sits in your mind is not necessarily how your partner will see it.

It is a strange world though and I like how Wystan makes mention of the brotherhood/sisterhood of kinksters. When I am here, amongst other like minded people, or writing on my own blog (on the rare occasion that happens) I feel that kink is, well, normal. It seem okay to discuss almost anything and there is someone who can relate or at least not see you as disgusting. Yet I still have to remember that outside of this and outside of the few kinky friends I have that it is still something that is not discussed openly and that it isn't quite normal. Something I would still be afraid to discuss openly for fear of judgement.



Anonymous said...

Dear J,

Your long-impending return pends, I hope. It will be most welcome. (As will you, and your strangely imaginative thoughts).

Mina's comment reminds me of something I read: We are bound together, not by blood, but by what heats it. That is fellowship indeed.



Janice said...

Dear Mina, and welcome back. When all is said and done, it doesn't really matter what is kink and what is not, I think. Maybe the best way is to label anything that isn't vanilla and possible on American prime time tv as kink. Like that it can be useful.

Dear Wystan, there is a truth on those words.