I have learnt something from blogging and that is what people understand you have written is not what you intended to write, it is not even what you write but only what they understand you have written. I will say no more, at the moment. Ponder this and if you don't know what I mean, then you are allowed to ask me what I wanted to say with it.
Anyway, I will plod along with my stories and my writing and my fantasies. Here is a story, completely devoid of spankings. Take care, Dear Readers.
How could you be so cruel? My soul still aches from your leaving. Why did you have to leave? Education and universities are all important, I know, but why did you have to leave me here?
Dearest sister, dearest soul sister, life here is bleak without you around. Only three days have gone but they are like years to me. How will I live?
I do my chores every day and I visit your mother. I play with little Will and he is such a sunshine. But no one here is like you, no one comes close.
I hate you, Elinor, I hate you. I can hardly bring myself to write that but why did you have to be so cruel? Why couldn't you just embrace me or just leave and wave or leave me a note or something? Why did you have to kiss me?
I curse the moment you kissed me and I curse the moment I turned my face to you. My lips still burn with your kiss. Still after three days, I can feel the heat of your lips and words cannot describe the fire they have caused.
My father, my dear father, is worried about me. He asks about my health all the time and no reassuring words can rid his brow of the clouds that seem to have gathered there. I think he knows how much I miss you.
Will you come back to Christmas? I will count the days. Please, don't forget me? How could you? If you feel a fraction of what I feel it will be impossible for you to forget me.
I think of you every day. I think of you every hour. It is an eternity before I see you again but I am sure I will survive.
Your letter was a blessing. I think everyone saw that. My father looked pleased and he said he had not seen me this happy for ages. I know he meant for three weeks but it seems like ages, indeed.
Dearest, sweetest, soul sister, please forgive me for what I write here! I am sworn to honesty even if it will make you hate me forever. I fear writing it but I have to.
My thoughts about you haven't been pure. Since you kissed me I have been burning, burning for you.
But when I think of you, I don't just think of the things we spoke of, the strolls in the park, the stories we told each other and the secrets we shared.
My mind has turned to improper thoughts. I think of how you kissed me and how your lips touched mine. I think of the fire in my frame and how I long for your lips to kiss me again.
I am sad and lonely. I cannot talk to anyone about my feelings. They will tell me they are forbidden and wrong. I have to tell you. I will wither and die if I don't tell you.
Tell me you forgive me! Please tell me you forgive me. I promise I will never ever kiss you again, when I see you, if I will. If you still want to see me.
I would rather live my life in solitude than to be dishonest with you. You see, I had to tell you about my thoughts. Please forgive me.
Dearest, sweetest Elinor, I am so happy. You have no idea how happy I am.
Your letter arrived three days after I sent you my letter. You said nothing about forgiveness and my heart sank. I thought you had ignored me and my only consolation, my only hope was that you hadn't read my letter before sending me yours, that they had passed each other on the way, not knowing about each other.
Now I know you have forgiven me. I even know you feel the same. My heart is flying, it takes turns around the house and returns only occasionally to my bosom.
When you stood outside my room, in the night, outside the open door I was frightened. You must have seen that. Then I realised it must be you, although you were not there in body but in soul. I realised it was you and I felt no fear.
To my eyes you looked real, although I never saw your face. That scared me but I knew it was you and when you asked me to invite you I never hesitated.
I feared you were angry and had come to tell me how wrong I was, how horrible I was. But when you held me in your arms I knew I was forgiven.
You felt different, strange and alien but I know it wasn't your body but your soul who had come to visit me so I knew it had to be different.
When you kissed me, I knew I wasn't just forgiven. I knew you felt the same. It was kind of you to not kiss my lips, the kiss on my neck was still the sweetest thing on earth. I knew, then, that you felt the same.
Oh, Elinor, I am so happy. You heard my call, across the space that separates us and your soul travelled the distance just to tell me that my feelings were answered. I am so happy.
My heart is sad today. I am feeling weak and weary. My feet feel like lead when I walk. The walk through the woods, the one we used to take, feels like many, many miles and I am exhausted when I come back.
My father is worried but I know it is a sickness of the heart that has befallen me.
You forgive me. In your letter you forgave me, and that means the world to me but I am no longer sure you feel the same. I am ashamed, ashamed of my impure thoughts and my outpourings. I know you forgive me and I know you still love me but my heart was singing when I believed you felt the same. But now the bird, that my heart had become, has plummeted to the ground.
Elinor, my sister, please forgive me for I felt anger with you for your letter. It contained words of friendship but not of love. But your friendship is more valuable to me than any love. My anger will abate and my love for you will remain. But why did you come to me in the night? Why did your soul travel the distance between us to kiss me like that?
Still forever yours
I am sick. A strange kind of illness has befallen me. I didn't recognise it first. I thought, perhaps, it was just my heart, my saddened heart that made my body ill but now I am not sure any more.
I am weak and cannot walk many steps without feeling ill and dizzy. Could it really be just my longing heart? Can you long so much that your body dies? I feel as if I am dying.
You still come to me in the night. I don't understand. You love me enough to send your soul to whisper in my ear about your eternal love but your letters are so different.
Why do you never show your face? You feel different. I am still glad you visit me. I need you to visit me. I miss you so. I am sure I would be well in no time would you come back, although I know you can't.
Christmas is still so far away.
My blood is cold, cold as ice and I feel steelhard fingers squeezing my heart. I know now that it is not you who visit me in the night. I don't know why I am now so certain, I just know. But who is she?
I cannot walk at all now. I am confined to my bed. I do sit up some hours during the day but I am exhausted from doing that.
Father is worried and the doctors are worried. I know now that I am truly ill. I am fading away. Can it be the heart, my aching heart?
I wish you could come home but I know you cannot afford it. It is a long journey. Your letters lighten up my day, though. Knowing that you cry for me in your pretty little room makes me both sad and happy.
I dream such strange dreams. They are both beautiful and frightening. I see endless vistas of woods and rivers and I see dark castles in the moonlit night. I fly through those lands to one of those castles. It seems as if she, the spectre that visits me, lives in one of those castles. She is calling me and I want to go there but I won't go because I would have to leave you.
Those are only dreams but when I sleep they seem real to me. I am comforted by ordinary things in my room, the chairs and the rugs and the clock on the mantle piece.
Don't worry, my dear Elinor, I will be here when you come back. I love you.
I am scared now. Strange things happen to me. It seems so dark around me. Even when the sun is shining I have to close my eyes.
In the night I hear those calling voices that want me to come to them. I am weak. I cannot resist them. I have to resist them.
Still, my body is stronger now. I awakened quite refreshed this morning. I think the worst is over. My illness is fading and I grow stronger.
I am stronger but my dreams are worse. I dreamed this night that I went walking. It was strange because I could see despite the darkness. I walked up to the big house by the river, the yellow one where the Jones live.
I met Clara, you know her, the eldest daughter. We talked for a while and she was very polite but I could tell she was scared of me.
I remember we struggled and I held her down and kissed her, on the neck, like the spectre did with me.
It was the oddest and scariest dream I have ever had.
Please, come home, soon, I know the dreams will be all sunny and good when you come back.
Your last letter was so full of sorrow and sadness I could hardly read it. It made me so sad. You wrote as if to say goodbye. Have you met someone? Have you forgotten me? Do you want to forget me?
I need you to be strong for me. I don't know what darkness engulfs me but I am lost. I struggle to stick to what I know is real but it is all fading.
I am scared. Please, Elinor, don't leave me now.
I am lost. I have lost. It is all over. I cannot struggle any more. It is all lost.
They are all scared of me now. I am too dark. I have to leave.
I will write to you.
My heart is in darkness. I know I cannot see you any more, ever. I am lost in darkness and no one is here. I am alone but that is for the best.
I cannot see my family, I cannot see anyone I love. I cannot keep it back. They will be harmed. I cannot allow that to happen.
Goodbye, my sweetest, dearest soul sister. I have no soul but the one I had was yours, sister. I love you still, with all my heart and all my body. I dare write that now, now when it doesn't matter any more, now when all is lost.
I cannot see you. I cannot ever be with you. Please forgive me.
I am so happy. My illness is gone. I am feeling stronger than ever.
Elinor, I will see you. I will travel the long way to your university. I will be educated, I will see the world. I am so happy.
But better than the world, better than any education. I will get to see you my love, my beloved Elinor.
And when I see you I will give you the sweetest kiss you ever knew.