One thing that has always been obvious to me but is not obviously obvious for everyone is a certain distinction between fantasies and reality. It is about control and the reality I am talking about is not necessarily real reality but anything that involves others.
This was a cryptic beginning. Before I explain what I am getting at there is the inevitable disclaimer. This is how it works for me. It is my blog and I think like this. I am not saying that fantasies in general have to work like this or that other ways of seeing it is wrong. There, please, stay with me and hear me out!
The difference I am talking about is the one that exist between being on your own, in your head and interacting with others, even in the simple way of reading someone else's writing or even watching a film. The important difference that I am talking about is that in your own head you are in full control. That is quite obvious but it has some consequences.
First a reflection about fantasies in general. Many people are perfectly happy with watching Star Wars or reading ghost stories where all kinds of strange things happen. But, when they talk about sexual fantasies, it is about what you want happen and what you want to do – for real, in reality. It is like fantasies are like planning, a stage for playing out what you really want shall happen. Nothing, whatsoever, is wrong with that but it is different for me (I am sure I am not the only one). For me fantasies are like Star Wars, a place where strange things happen, things that are not real, never will be real and never was meant to be real.
And to return to the opening, In my fantasies I am in complete control and that is one thing that makes it impossible for some fantasies to become real. An example, Imagine you have fantasies about a certain rugby team. You have these images in your head of how they tackle you, form a scrum around you and, well, strip you naked and have you in the mud on the playing field. Or something outrageous like that. Kind of exciting, isn't it? This does not, I repeat, not mean that you would ever be comfortable with it happening in real life. This is stating the obvious but bear with me a little while! The important difference between the fantasy and the reality is that in the fantasy you are in control of the team. Everything that they do to you are what you decide they should do. That makes it exciting and not horrible.
This is the reason why you find stories about girls being enslaved and whipped and things like that in my blog. I find it exciting since nothing ever happen to them (or me) that I am not in complete control of.
When reading someone else's story, sharing a fantasy, roleplaying or watching a film you are not in complete control. This means that the rugby team or the slaver are not yours any more. They become something else, a tiny step closer to reality and therefore far more frightening.
This is one of the important reasons for all of you people out there who play with this, who incorporate it into your lives to ensure that there is trust between you. You can't control the whole thing and what may be nice in your imagination may be scary in reality or closer to reality. But if you trust one another then you may be brave enough to relinquish some of that control and still know that you are safe and secure.