Amazed

That is what I am by your reactions. I have had my doubts about this story, seeing that I was losing readers while I was posting it. So, even if you aren't the majority, your comments tell me that you care about the story. This is fantastic. Imagine that I can write something that engages you!! And believe me, this is no pretence or false modesty, I am honestly amazed that what I write means something. I have learned this when blogging, it is true, but the wonder of it still amazes me.

For your information, the story, as it is now, contains some 33,000 words (just a tad shorter than Heart of Darkness) and although I started writing it in May, last year, I wrote two thirds of it during six consecutive days in November, just before I started posting it. Why do I tell you this? It is because I want you to know that I haven't been writing it while I was posting it.

In my mind there is a continuation and I hope I will be able to sit down and write it. I have some ideas for it. On the other hand, I found that stopping now wouldn't be a bad idea. It is an ongoing process and there is no real end point. There is no obvious conclusions to the story.

I would want to write some more, but I don't know when I will have time to focus on it. I need to focus to write these stories. I know I tend to end mid-story often but this one is different. I was thinking of it as a longer story. A story like Waiting was never meant to be more than the first bit. Some other stories I still feel I should continue with.

On the other hand I have an urge to go back to what this blog was all about: fantasies. I don't mind stories but I feel sometimes that fantasies, dreams, and imagination aren't always captured in stories. A story has its own life, moves in its own ways and a good fantasy may not be a good story. Maybe I will try to talk about fantasies, or find other ways of expressing them. Someone said something nice about my drawings, maybe I should try more of that.

When it comes to stories, I feel, somehow, that I am a bit tired of the ones I have been writing. One comment, by Meta, raised an interesting question. She was a little bothered by the fact that the heroine of Surrender wasn't told in advance that she was to be used, as it was, by another. I agree with her on one level, I would have been too, if it was me. To be perfectly honest, I am quite sure I would be severely traumatised by a lot of the things I let my heroines go through. On another level I want that edge. I didn't think of it but when Meta pointed it out I realised that I wanted it to be this way, that she wasn't told, she wasn't asked, she had no opportunity to say no.

It is fiction, after all, and I am interested in that harshness, that cruelty, that kind of edge in a story. I am a dreamer, I imagine things. I do not write about the real thing, the real relationship, when you need after-care and when stop words are essential. I do recognise the importance of that, I really, really do. But in a story, I can let the needed trust, the thing that makes both parties sure, beforehand that everything is ok and wanted, be replaced by a gigantic leap of faith, or a shocking revelation that not until later makes sense.

In fact, if I am honest about what I want to write I am drawn to the dark and weird, at the moment. I feel I am too kind sometimes, in my stories. I do like the romantic, the sweet, the mutual and good. I do love a happy ending. But that is not all I like, there is a sharper edge to my imagination too and it is not easy to let it out.

So, we'll see where this will take me. There will be no continuation of Surrender immediately, maybe later, I am sorry. Take care and thank you for reading.