Friday, 30 March 2007

Just a Little Bit Faster Now...

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this blogging about? Why is this so important? Is it important?

I've found a door which lets me out!
When you rock 'n' roll with me
No one else I'd rather be
Nobody down here can do it for me
I'm in tears again
When you rock 'n' roll with me

Three and a half months ago I married the love of my life, the one who really loves me and wants to be with me. We have been together for years so I know what I am doing, as much as anyone is able to know such things. I am one of the lucky ones.

But this blog is not about me being either happy or unhappy. It is about that parallel track in my mind that has always been there. Have you, like me, been one of those who never dared to act, never dared to move or let anyone see who you are then you know why you sometimes take the other track, the easy, colourful one, the one you know.

She waited by the moon
She was sick with fear and cold
She felt too old for all of this
Of course she never showed

Writing is magical and one of my true desires but it is about more than desire and lust. The view is wider, the fantasy land is full of more than things I want to do, things I want shall happen. There are things there that concern memories, experiences and thoughts that scare me more than anything else. Still I feel compelled to go there, to look at it, to form it into things I dare look at, even transform some humiliation into something desirable.

She'll turn the radio high
Find a station playing sad, sad soul

It is like a sad, sad film that you want to watch although you can't really see why you want to cry and be scared. I am one of those sad souls who loved the Titanic film but it doesn't mean I enjoy people dying in great disasters.

Just a little bit louder now

I still dare not move, dare not act and I still dare not show who I am. I admire you all who know what you want and believe that this blog is about spanking and sexual desire. You who know that your fantasies are just a reflection of your desires. I am not mocking you and I am not being ironic. I envy you.

Just a little bit faster now

I am not ironic or trying to be clever when I say that my mind is far more interesting than I am in my real life. I am basically quite boring. I blog because for once I want to be daring enough to talk about what is inside my head, my wilder, more daring self, the person that jumps between roles and who knows her desires, at least for a flicker of a moment, for the duration of a fleeting fantasy.

All I've done
I've done for me
All you gave
You gave for free
I gave nothing in return
And there's little left of me

I feel sometimes that I use you all, you who read, you who comment, because you give something to me. You make me feel that what I have in my mind, my fantasies are valuable and something enjoyable even. My dirty secrets are your dirty secrets and we share and I am not alone with my parallel track.

And she'll drive the big car
And talk herself insane

Perhaps you are right, you all who know what I need and what I should do. Maybe am I just holding on to a kind of self inflicted madness by staying in my mind instead of taking on the world. Maybe I should move with you who say you know, who tell me there is a way and you know it.

Just a little bit angry now

Why should I play your game, you who abuse me and treat me like I was not worth anything and believe that is what I want? Tell me!

I'm in tears again...

Janice has taught me one thing and that is I don't have to know the world, don't have to be responsible for everything in it and I don't have to compete any more. I am a dreamer, a person in disguise but I will talk freely, I will share my dreams with those of you who want to share. That is one way for me to face up to my demons.

I am being cryptic, I know that but I am also honest, perhaps more honest than I have been before. And once again I will thank you all who read and talk to me. I do, really, want to hear more from you. You don't have to say anything clever to comment.

Dear Miss Ellison, like a thief in the night I steal from you again but this time it is only the form. The content is all mine. Thank you for inspiring me.

Text in italics by David Bowie from 'When You Rock'n'Roll With me' (1974), 'Days' (2003) and 'She'll Drive the Big Car' (2003).


Simon Kade said...

"I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test".

David Bowie

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. I often feel that I am taking greedily from bloggers like yourself, not giving much in return. That's why I comment ( If I can think of anything lucid to say ).
We need our fantasies, I am sure, so thanks for letting us see yours, and perhaps help us get a glimpse into our own minds, which, like yours, and far more interesting than real life.


bolt said...

When you write like this, how can you say you're boring?

Janice said...

Thanks, ever so much, for your comments. I am speechless and happy that you liked my blog entry.

'don't tell them to grow up and out of it'

Sharing is what it is all about, isn't it? Thanks for commenting.

Your comment makes me feel less boring, thank you.

take care!


manorlord said...

Forgive my enthusiasm in leaving several posts (see below). Encountering a kindred spirit, or rather its mirror image, is exhilarating.

You are fortunate to have foundand won the love of your life. I hope you have the courage to open the door wide and let him know who Janice is, where she lives, when she comes out, what she wants. How liberating to be so truly naked in the company of one's beloved.

Janice said...

Dear manorlord,

How true your words are and believe me, my husband knows everything about me and he still loves me. That is a blessing.

Would you care to talk to me directly, then, please, feel free to seek out my email on my profiles page!