I will start with a disclaimer. Remember when you read this, that it is just me and just now! I am not saying anything about fantasies in general or what I think is good or bad or anything. This is just how I feel...now.
I get feed up with myself and my fantasies at times. I look at them and see pain and humiliation and bad things. It strikes me in the face sometimes and it hurts. I can't turn away from it since it is me, my fantasies, my imagination but it hurts.
Then I want to go back, to visit each and every scene in the cinema of my head and do it right. I want to throw down all the whips and canes and break them and shout out loud that there will be no more whippings. I want to untie all the ropes and unshackle all the shackles and set free all the slaves and captives and...and myself. I will tell them, us, to dress and go somewhere and cuddle with someone they love. I want to touch all the bruises and caress away all he pain and humiliation. Then I want people, myself, everyone to be loved and love. Not to hurt and degrade and cause pain.
I know, it is all fantasy, it is not about bad things. It is about love and trust and all that is good. I know that. I really, understand that. But sometimes the images, the themes, the events in my imagination seems so brutal, so full of pain and humiliation that I wonder how it can be. How is it possible to have that in your head.
3 comments:
I like everything you've written here, Janice -- except the disclaimer! We in the D/S (S/M, what you will) shadows have a greater responsibility than most to "set all the captives free" -- the real ones, that is. I think that is why so many of us are members of Amnesty and work for peace and justice. If only so that, plainly put, we can have our sick, twisted fantasies with -- how odd to say -- a clear conscience! Masquer
There is no reason for you to feel any guilt about your fantasies. I happen to think that they are beautiful, but then I have a fantasy life that is a bit dark as well. So what? It's the bit of yang in our yin. Or is it the other way around?
You write beautifully. You capture the emotional dynamics of spanking and whipping better than anything I have ever read.
Dear Anonymous, thank you for your words. I kind of know that there is no reason to feel guilty. I do, anyway and as far as I can see it, there is nothing much I can do about it.
Hugs
Janice
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